"Forget all this."

November 05, 2002 : 8:17 pm
Now Playing: Blue Rodeo - Five Days in May
Porn Title of the Day:
Before all the bullshit, there's this.

I'm the skinniest? Did you know? The skinniest. Not the nicest, or the funniest, or the prettiest, or whatever. I'm the skinniest. I know, I know it's true. But that's just all i am.

I'm no one's favourite ANYthing anymore. I'm getting to the point where I really hate my non-self. I say non-self because I feel like I don't have anything left that makes me ME. People ask me what I do, I say, "I work." Not that I don't want to work, it's fine. I just...don't have anything. Eva = what? I've lost my charm, spark, my various claims-to-fame. I've got nothing left. Even music doesn't want me anymore. There are truly gifted all-the-way-to-the-top people out there, and I am not one of them. I was stupid to think i could ever compare. I'm just average, guys. You saw it coming all along. If you don't give me a note, I'll sing the whole song off-key. We all knew, and no one said anything. Well, I'm saying it. I'm finished. Maybe I'm not completely worthless, but I feel like I am. That's a bad thing, isn't it? I'd say so. I pick up a pencil to draw a picture or write a song, and I just CAN'T do it. I try, I really do, but I can't. Why do I love something that hates me so much?

Someone told me tonight that sometimes you can't rely on anyone but yourself to get you where you want to go. I guess I can't. Everyone has their own lives and their own selves to take care of. I'm too dependant on other people to fix me. Why else would I write in a public diary except for getting people to say, "Hey, sorry life's like that for you...let me help you out."? It's all stupid, really, the way I can't survive on my own. If natural selection worked at an increased rate for humans, people like me would be phased out.

Fuck it. Fuck everything. Everyone's oh-so-special, and I'm oh-so-fading into the background somewhere, only to end up in an ugly house, with a boring dead-end job and zero options for improvement. That's life. That's growing up, right? What can I do? Nothing. That's just thing, see? That's the bottom line. I can 'do' nothing. Not a single. Fucking. Thing.

Where am i? Why am i so sad? Why am i sometimes just so, so annoyingly sad?

I'm really getting sick of me.

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