So here's how things are going for today....

Jasper called Len today, and he didn't get the job. I basically just melted into a little blob of sobbing goo for the rest of the day....in fact, I'm still sobbing sporadically....take now, for instance. 1:30 in the bloody morning. Well done.

The big question: Am I going without him? ...no, I'm not.

My day has been full of "Everything looked like it was finally going to work out for us..." and "I can't believe this is happening..." and, my personal favourite, "...what are we going to do now?"

I am in such a state right now...it feels like someone set a gigantic boulder on my chest. I know that probably doesn't make much sense, but if you were me, I guess you'd understand.

Why why why why why did this happen. Just when I have something to be excited about...just when I'm really HAPPY and I feel like something is going to finally work out...everything goes to shit. I told everyone about this...I told everyone we were going. I planned everything. I was so....I was so fucking certain. Stupid.

Know what? I wanted this. I really, honestly did. I lack the basic drive that most people have...the survival instinct, the motivation that the general population has to actually get off their asses and do something. What I'm saying is, I don't give a FUCK about ANYTHING. I don't want much, I never put myself on the line for anything.....but this is what I really, truly had my fucking heart set on, all right? I had my whole heart set on this. I was so, so ready to just leave here, be there, and be happy.

"Want it? Can't have it. Want it? Can't have it. Want it? Can't have it. But here's a better idea...why don't you just sit there and rot?"

I give up, world...you can fucking take me.